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The Most "Natural" Commandment

SERIES: In Tables of Stone #6 of 11

2008-10-19

PRODUCTION #: 1125

SPEAKER: Shawn Boonstra

I’m going to have to warn you—this family story wasn’t taken from the classic show “Leave It to Beaver.” In fact, it leaves your blood feeling just a little bit cold when you hear about the living nightmare that Nate Ybanez grew up with. And it wasn’t just the vicious and violent beatings his father gave him, as bad as those were.

When Nate was eight years old, his father once pummeled him for not mopping the floor right. On another occasion, he pulled his son off a lawn mower and beat him silly for mowing the grass crooked. But in addition to the beatings, there was a lot of other abuse.

Over and over his parents told him how useless he was, and then, as if to underscore the point, both his parents abused him intimately. When Nate would cry for help to doctors, police officers, or other kids’ families, most of the time his pleas went completely unheeded, which only proved to Nate that he really wasn’t worth anything.

Now, it wasn’t any of these things alone that drove Nate to desperate measures. It was all of them put together, year after year after year, that eventually drove him to take his mother’s life at 16 years of age. As I warned at the beginning of the show, that’s a far cry from family life as you get it in “Leave it to Beaver.”

In fact, family life has changed so much in the last 50 or 60 years that we often use “Leave It to Beaver” as a joke. Because even though most of us will never have to face the problems faced by Nate Ybanez, the way kids are growing up now is so radically different from the way we grew up then that we have trouble thinking of a family we know that actually lives like the Cleavers. But of course, dysfunctional families didn’t start in the late 20th century.

One of the most famous cases of family dysfunction dates all the way back to the Emperor Nero, who wanted his own mother dead because of the way she continually interfered in the politics of the empire. According to history, he thought about poisoning her or just putting her to the sword, or doing anything that would get rid of her without implicating him.

Finally, he got an idea. He invited her to a big banquet on the other side of a lake, and even arranged for a boat that would take her there. If everything went according to plan, the boat would be sabotaged and she would drown in a terrible accident

Well, the boat did sink exactly as planned, but his mother was rescued. Fed up and just wanting her to leave, Nero sent soldiers to her house, and while she was resting on a couch, they beat her to death. Again, not exactly “Leave It to Beaver.”

So what’s my point? Well, these stories force us to think very carefully about the fifth commandment—the one about honoring your parents. Where exactly do we draw the line? Most of us will never face the extreme examples we find in these kinds of sordid stories. But everybody—I don’t care who you are—everybody has challenging issues when it comes to family life.

Nobody has an absolutely perfect relationship with his or her parents, no matter how good it gets. This is why, frankly, God needs to remind us to honor our parents. It is a commandment we violate on a regular basis, even if not to the extremes of the Emperor Nero or a 21st century kid who takes a parent’s life.

But before I get into the gist of the commandment itself, let’s ask a really good question that I’ve asked quite a few times on this program. Why is it that we find the murder of these parents to be such a horrible story? Why exactly do we feel revulsion or disgust when we hear that somebody killed his or her mom or dad?

Or why are we horrified when we discover that a mother betrays the trust of her kids by strapping them into a car and pushing them into a lake, like that famous case with Susan Smith? Unless we admit that there are universal moral principles in our world, rules that apply to everybody, we have a massive problem in trying to condemn the breakdown of family relationships.

Postmodern thinkers are telling us that we have no real objective moral standard anymore. But the horrific headlines in the evening news tell us that’s not true. Even postmodern thinkers have to admit that beating your kids or physically abusing them is just wrong. What they have trouble defining is why it’s wrong. The usual reason they give us is that those kinds of actions hurt people.

But then again, we face another problem in this logic, because we now have to define why hurting people is wrong. Usually, the only defense the postmoderns can give us is, well, it’s wrong because it just is, and everybody agrees on that. That kind of thinking breaks down really fast. If we say that hurting people is wrong because most people agree it’s wrong, does that mean that the majority rules when it comes to right and wrong?

Does that mean that if everybody agrees on something, it makes it right? Don’t forget that before the Civil War we had an awful lot of people who seemed to agree that slavery was right. But today we all know better than that, at least for the most part in the Western world. Again, the question comes to the surface: Why do we know better than that? Why is it that we just seem to know intuitively that some things are right and other things are wrong?

If you think about it, it doesn’t really make sense for living beings who are basically carbon, water and hydrogen to have a sense of right and wrong. Maybe that’s why John-Paul Sartre, the 20th century’s most influential atheist, said, “It is very distressing that God does not exist, because all possibility of finding values in a heaven of ideas disappears along with him. There can no longer be an a priori Good, since there is no infinite and perfect consciousness to think it.” In basic English, he was admitting that without a Creator God, there’s no such thing as right and wrong.

The philosopher Bertrand Russell wrote, “Many traditional ethical concepts are difficult to interpret, and many traditional ethical concepts are difficult to justify, except on the assumption that there is a God or a world spirit or at least an imminent cosmic purpose.” Again, he’s admitting that if you take God out of the equation, you don’t really have a sense of right and wrong.

Atheist apologist J. L. Mackey argued that immoral properties constitute so odd a cluster of qualities and relations that these are most unlikely to have arisen in the ordinary course of events without an all-powerful God to create them. While Mackey wasn’t ready to admit to the existence of God, he at least admitted the problem we face when we take God out of the picture. Without God, you have a terrible problem trying to define what’s right.

And I’ve got to admit, I have to agree with these prominent atheists. The whole idea of morality can’t exist without God, because Darwinian biochemistry alone just can’t give us our sense of good and evil.

But quite apart from the famous atheists, I not only believe that God gave us a sense of morality, but He also spelled it out in a written code—a code that’s eloquently stated in the Ten Commandments. And today we’re going to look at the fifth commandment, found in Exodus 20 (Exodus 20:12). It says:

“Honor your father and mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.”

Now at first glance this is kind of a strange commandment, because you’d think that most people in most situations just naturally love their mom and dad. I have two little girls who love their daddy, and I don’t have to tell them to do that. It just kind of happens all by itself. So to find a commandment telling us to merely honor our parents when most of us love them, well, it seems just a little strange, doesn’t it?

The commandment almost seems to be setting the bar just too low, in some people’s opinion. So why does God have to give us a command to do what—for most people—comes naturally?

Maybe it has something to do with the way our world has gone. Due to the prideful corruption in the human heart, most of our interpersonal relationships have been twisted and damaged beyond recognition. We now have family situations that previous generations would have trouble imagining. Let me give you a good example.

In 1988, Bill Wyman of the band The Rolling Stones, who was 52 at the time, married Mandy Smith, who was only 19. Now that in itself is not that unusual, because we have lots of people marrying who are years apart in age. The really strange part was that when they got married, Bill’s son was engaged to Mandy’s mother.

Now, follow this carefully. Bill’s marriage to Mandy actually ended before his son married the mother. But if they had stayed together, Bill would have been his son’s dad and son-in-law at the same time. Mandy’s mother would have also been her daughter-in-law.

The point? Modern life is getting pretty complicated. And even though you probably don’t face that kind of situation yourself, chances are, if you’re living in America, you’re probably not living “Leave It to Beaver” either. And because our world has been twisted so severely by sin, and because we’re having a hard time defining what’s normal, we really do need commandments that teach us how to relate to our families.

You see, in the new ways of living, not everything is as obvious as it used to be. We started to move the markers of normalcy, and without clear guidelines from someone outside ourselves, how in the world are we supposed to figure out what’s right?

Parent: “You know how disrespectful you are with this phone? We can’t even have a family meal without you yelling, talking on the phone, or texting somebody. It’s just totally ridiculous.”

Teenager: “I’m not disrespectful. You’re so controlling.”

Parent: “I don’t even want to talk about that. You are done. This phone is gone for a week. If your attitude doesn’t change, it’s gone longer. Do you understand that?”

Teenager: “You’re such a controlling freak that I have no life because of you. I can’t wait until I move out. I hate you.”

The fifth commandment doesn’t tell us to like our mother and father, even though you think it would. If you read it carefully, you’ll notice it only says honor them. So why would God leave something like that out? Well, I guess that might be because God, knowing how messed up we are because of our sins, well, He knew that some people wouldn’t, or couldn’t, or maybe even shouldn’t force themselves to like everybody.

In a world of pain and suffering, God doesn’t ask us to like everybody or everything. I mean, let’s just take a moment and face the hard realities of life in the 21st century. I know that many of you watching don’t have to live with the awful things your neighbor has to endure, but it is real life. You can’t expect a 12-year-old girl whose own family members gave her AIDS to like them.

A boy whose father beat him into a coma with a baseball bat can’t be told to like his dad—because honoring him, well, that’s tough enough. As you read the commandment carefully, you’ll notice that God fully anticipated the realities of modern life. Even though most of us shoot higher than simply honoring our parents, God draws a realistic baseline. Honoring your parents is something you do even when you have trouble mustering positive feelings about how they treated you.

Now, fortunately, for a lot of you, you can easily love your parents. It’s not hard, because you had a great time growing up and you had godly parents who poured themselves out in an effort to raise you right. But for those of you who didn’t have great parents, for those of you who suffered a lot, this commandment draws a new line in the sand for you that you can now live by.

You don’t have to let the bitterness rob you of the rest of your life. By the grace of God you can honor your parents without condoning what they did or putting yourself back in danger. Furthermore, you can do something about your family situation now, by recognizing the high standards that God has for you as a parent.

This commandment tells us that the family is the basic unit, the foundation of all human society. To the best of our ability, God expects us to preserve that family unit. Even after your children are grown and gone, family bonds are still important. By honoring your parents, you acknowledge those bonds.

Later in life when the roles are switched and the children need to take care of their parents, those bonds become even more important. At the bottom line, as we try to sort out the difficulties of living in the 21st century, God tells us that He cares about our families and our relationships. He knows just how important they are.

Who hasn’t read over and over again about famous people—rich people—who have everything the world can offer, and yet they’re miserable. It happens so often it’s almost a cliché. What’s the cause of their misery? It’s not that they don’t have money, it’s not that they don’t have fame, and it’s not that they don’t have their health or power. But all too often these people are missing good family relationships.

Artie Shaw, the famous bandleader from the 1940s and 1950s, was married to some of Hollywood’s most glamorous women, but all those marriages ended in grief. In an interview toward the end of his life, he was talking about his lousy relationships and all the strained relationships he had with kids from all those different women. He said something to the effect of, “Well, I didn’t get along with their mothers, so why should I have gotten along with the kids?” That is not God’s ideal.

I hope you can see the point. We’ve gone for a couple of generations now with broken down family relationships, and the whole of our society is paying a horrible price. Kids don’t grow up with the security they were intended to have. Parents aren’t reaping the joy that kids are supposed to bring. All the while, God intended for us to have something more.

You know, “Leave It to Beaver” might seem kind of corny, but it’s no small coincidence that a lot of people are starting to wish their lives were more like it. Do we really make fun of that show because we don’t want that kind of life, or are we nervously laughing because we know we don’t have it but wish we did?

Right at the heart of God’s commandments, we discover that the Creator is family-oriented. It can’t be a coincidence that we live in families. God himself describes His essence as three persons in one God. He is a God of relationships. When you structure your relationships by the Creator’s rules, you’re going to find the joy He intended you to have. Family ties really do matter.

Centuries after Moses took the commandments off the mountain, the Apostle Paul picks up on the fifth commandment and expands it for us. He says this (Ephesians 6:1-4):

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother,’ which is the first commandment with promise: ‘that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.’ And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”

Here it is, God’s ideal. Just try to imagine what would happen if we actually lived by it, even on those days when we don’t feel like it. I want you to notice something really interesting. Paul’s initial emphasis here is on the kids: obey your parents and honor them. But after that, he switches to parents, particularly the father, and tells them, “Don’t provoke your children.” It turns out this commandment is a two-way street.

We not only have a responsibility to honor our own parents, but we also have a God-given duty to be the kind of parents that our kids would love to honor. Try to imagine how much better our homes, our families and our lives would be if all parents loved, nurtured and treated their children well, and the children, in response, did the same thing to their parents all their lives.

Parent: “Julie, I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.”

Teenager: “I’m sorry, too. I didn’t mean anything I said downstairs.”

Parent: “I just wanted you to know that I do love you and I’m sorry if you feel like I’m controlling.”

Teenager: “I love you, too.”

If you’ve had nothing but disastrous relationships, if your own parents were hard to love, and right now you seem to have a terrible family life because of it, you can do something. You can give your kids the gift of having a mom or dad who is easy to love and a privilege to honor.

You can stop the cycle right now and give your kids and your grandkids a fighting chance at finding the joy that God intended them to have in family relationships. The really neat part of it is this—as you pour yourself into your kids and love them the way that God loves you, you’re going to find that you reap every bit as much benefit as they do.

It’s a perfectly designed model that God intended to give you for the best life possible. If you just put your family in God’s hands and trust that He knows what He’s talking about, you’re going to find the joy He wanted you to have.

Years ago, Harry Chapin wrote a popular song called “Cat’s in the Cradle” that really underlines the way a lot of families are playing out in the 21st century. Here is the opening verse as he wrote it:

“A child arrived just the other day, he came to the world in the usual way. But there were planes to catch and bills to pay. He learned to walk while I was away. He was talking before I knew it, and as he grew, he’d say, ‘I’m going to be like you, Dad. You know I’m going to be like you.’”

Now that’s kind of a normal family relationship, but the song goes on. The boy asks his father to play ball, but the dad is too busy and promises to do it some other time. Every time he wants his dad, his dad has nothing to give. It’s always going to be in the future, it’s always going to be on some other day. Here’s how the chorus runs:

“And the cat is in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy Out of and the man in the moon. ‘When are you coming home, Dad?’ ‘I don’t know when. But we’ll get together then, you know we’ll have a good time then.’”

The boy gets older, goes off to college, and when he comes back, his dad wants to talk. But the boy only wants the keys to the car. Then the father grows old and tries to phone the son, but the son’s life is just too busy. He’s become his dad. The tables have turned. The father now needs the family relationship he failed to build. The chorus changes to fit the situation:

“‘When you are coming home, Son?’ ‘I don’t know when. But we’ll get together then, Dad. You know, we’ll have a good time then.’”

The point is painfully clear. The message of the fifth commandment is simple. God cares about our families and He wants us to have strong relationships that bring joy and meaning to our lives.

For some of you, the damage has already been done—you haven’t been great parents or maybe you didn’t have great parents. Perhaps you haven’t been good to your parents.

Sometimes the damage is hard to fix. But it is never too late to heal the relationship that you have with your heavenly Father. It’s never too late for you to turn your heart to the One who loves you with a love greater than any parent has ever had for any child. Whoever you are, whatever your background—your mistakes, your sins—Jesus Christ died for you.

He paid the penalty for whatever sins you’ve committed against your children, or whatever you’ve done to your parents. He is holding out the kind of relationship that can change your life, if only you’d accept it. You know, God has got a lot of good in store for you.

It may be that your family relationships aren’t what you’ve always dreamed, but you could start making a difference right now. You can start claiming back some of those joys God intended you to have. Why don’t we pray together right now about it?

PRAYER:
Our gracious Father in heaven, the world we’re living in is a painful place. Many people right now at this moment know that their families aren’t or maybe weren’t what they should be. Yet today we want to have that joy that you’ve offered us. Teach us to be like Jesus. Teach us to honor our parents and love our children in such a way that people can see heaven in our homes. For we ask it in Jesus’ name, Amen.

Scriptures Used in “The Most "Natural" Commandment”

“Honor your father and mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.”
—Exodus 20:12

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother,’ which is the first commandment with promise: ‘that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.’ And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”
—Ephesians 6:1-4